Can We Raise Our Children to Love Each Other?

August 1, 2024

Joe was the older brother in his family. His younger brother, Jeff, couldn’t do anything as good as Joe. Of course, there was six years difference in their age and Joe was fond of establishing his superiority in every way. Now you and I know that it is no big deal for a boy that is six years older to beat his younger brother at everything but, it puffed up Joe’s ego. Jeff only saw Joe as his idol, the perfect older brother that could do no wrong, until Joe started ridiculing Jeff in public. By the time Joe graduated from high school, Jeff hated being around him. He had hoped that he never would see Joe again and, outside of obligatory family events, Jeff got his wish.

I have seen this scenario between siblings played out in similar ways far too many times. The decades pass, they start burying their parents, and they are not quite sure why they hate each other, but the pain runs deep. I had seen it enough that, by the time my children started repeating the same cruel treatment of one another, I did not want it to happen between them. The games are not new. The younger ones set the older ones up for punishment with a well-timed fake cry. The older ones mentally, and sometimes physically, abuse the younger ones. Back and forth they go in order to see who can get at the other worse.

The Bible tells the story of the twins, Jacob and Esau, and how Jacob tried to pull his brother back in the womb, so he could be the first born. Since that didn’t work, Jacob would steal his brother’s birthright for a bowl of soup, and then steal his brother’s family blessing. Esau pledged to kill his brother, so Jacob had to flee the country for decades before they finally got back together and reconciled (Genesis 25-35).

It doesn’t have to be that way, but it takes lots of work on the part of the parents. The first thing I recommend is to get to know your children very well. Know their strengths and weaknesses very well. Get to know them so you can recite those strengths or weaknesses on a moment’s notice. You will need too.

Second, have no tolerance for sibling rivalry. None! This is very hard, especially if both parents work outside the home. Whenever you catch the kids playing the power games, you have to stop them as quickly as possible. You hear, “My older sister ignores me at school.” Then you can sit the older sister down and calmly point out all the great things about the younger sister. Remind the older sister that through the years it is more fun to have a cool younger sister than to push her away. Knowing your children’s strengths can be a very valuable tool. Also, when one sibling thinks they are superior to the other, knowing their weaknesses can help them see that they are not perfect. The goal is not to crush their spirit, but to give them a reality check.

Thirdly, make the kids apologize to each other, and hug one another to make up. They will hate this. In fact, they will hate it so much that they will stop fighting with one another just to get out of doing it. Then, having spent years not fighting with one another, they might just end up sharing love and hugs with one another as adults. The joy for the parent is beyond description.

Finally, work hard to build in family time that is fun for everyone. Start with making worship together a requirement every week. It is true that a family that prays together stays together. Also, and nearly as important, is to have family dinner together. This won’t always be a happy time, especially when the kids pick at each other, but it is worth the hassle as it allows each child the time to tell about their day, while the others are expected to listen and respect their sibling. If they don’t they will have to apologize and hug. That will fix everything over time. If you worship and dine together every week, those family vacations will more than likely be some of the greatest times in your lives.

How are your kids getting along with one another? When was the last time you and your spouse talked about how to help the kids love each other? Do you worship together as a family? Do you share family dinner together at least five nights a week? How can you change the calendar to make it work? A family full of joy and love, or a family full of strife may be at stake. It is worth every minute spent to build a family full of joy and love.