The Relationship Between Cousins Is a Reflection of Their Aunts and Uncles

July 25, 2024

I am the oldest of the four Earley siblings. My wife and I started having children young and had three kids before any of my siblings even got started. As you can well imagine, they were the most amazing children ever born. My wife and I knew this was true and I felt certain my siblings knew it was true as well. I knew it would be a sad day when they started having their own children and realized that mine were all better than theirs.

To my great surprise, that never happened. They looked at their children and saw the same perfection that I saw in mine. Fortunately for me, I got off of my high horse and looked at their children through their eyes and I fell in love with all my nieces and nephews.

We can read the tragic story of how Isaac and Rebekah had twins, Jacob and Esau, and how Isaac chose Esau as his favorite and Rebekah chose Jacob as her favorite (Genesis 25:28 ff.). The family was shattered into pieces for decades. Parents know that they should never play favorites with their children, even if they struggle to live by this wisdom. Can the same be applied to our nieces and nephews? I think if we want to enjoy our families, and be blessed by them throughout the years, the answer is a resounding “Yes!” I have met far too many cousins who didn’t like each other because their aunts and uncles were always playing the comparison game at their expense.

If you think that there has been a bit of sibling rivalry throughout the years in your family, chances are good that you are spreading the pain, and family strife, on to the next generation. I invite you to refuse to participate any longer in these games that do nothing but hurt children with each new generation. We need to get over our false pride, blindness and self-centered egos in order to see the delightful gifts and unique abilities that each of the children in our family has. Where do you start?

Before you go to your sibling to ask for forgiveness, begin by praying. Prayer allows God to help you find the right words to use, that right time to approach the subject and, to be sensitive to things you aren’t even aware of. Things that only God knows is going on with your sibling. God can prepare your sibling’s heart for the healing of the relationship in ways you can never measure.

So, if the time seems right, and you decide to ask your brother or sister for forgiveness, I encourage you to do so. Even if you didn’t start it. Who cares? If you participated in any way, then you can apologize. Get the forgiveness ball rolling and see if healing doesn’t begin to occur. I know this is hard to do but, if you are a Christian, then the unconditional love that our faith teaches us demands that we swallow our pride and seek reconciliation. A reunited family could be the joy that awaits you and your siblings if you courageously reach out with an olive branch.

It is possible that your sibling will not ask for forgiveness in return, think you are to blame and not forgive you, or respond angrily to your desire to seek this healing. You cannot control their response but, one of the things that asking for forgiveness can do for you is to take the pain of the brokenness off of your heart. As it sets you free, look for what God is doing to set your sibling free, and try to be a part of God’s work.

It’s never too late to get to know your nieces and nephews well enough to know what their unique gifts and personalities are so that you can fall in love with them. God made us all, and God doesn’t make junk. Learn to celebrate all of your nieces and nephews’ victories without seeing them as some sign that your child is deficient. All children are unique and our love for our own children will be weak if we are only satisfied with them when they outperform other children.

Treat the nieces and nephews the same as much as possible. Decide how much you will spend on gifts for them, and pick an amount you can spend equally on all of them. If you try to spend special time with them, do your best to spend special time with all of them. If you have a habit of corresponding regularly with one, try your best to correspond with them all. If you pray for one, make sure you spend time praying for all of them. Never offer your siblings parenting advice except when it is asked for.

Do your nieces and nephews smile when they see you? Do you look forward to seeing them? Do your kids enjoy time with their cousins? What can you do to bring more joy into the lives of all your family? Do you pray for your family regularly? May God bless your extended family with lots of love and joy!