Earley’s Rule of Relationships

July 18, 2024

There was an older brother who hated giving gift cards because he felt that they were boring. He had previously frozen a gift card in ice and buried a gift card in a series of boxes and packing paper. But, he saved his greatest gift card prank for his sister. He went to Old Navy and bought the most hideous clothes that they had in the store, spending as much money as he would have spent on a gift card, and gave them to his sister for Christmas. As she stood in front of the family in yellow fuzzy pants and a leopard skin, mid-thigh vest she asked him what she was supposed to do with this hideous outfit. He responded, “You can keep them, or you can take them back and get something you like.” (My apology to any readers who are into fuzzy pants and leopard vests).

It is hard for siblings to grow up liking each other. They know each other all their lives and they have plenty of opportunities to hurt each other or endear themselves to one another. I find the scriptures are the best place to look to find the tough answers about how to get along with other people. The book of Proverbs is a wonderful treasure of wise sayings written by King Solomon, the wisest man in history (I Kings 3:1-15). By studying these wise sayings, we can gain true wisdom. Today, I want to lift up Proverbs 25:21-22. We read, “If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink; for you will heap burning coals on his head, and the LORD will reward you.”

I have always thought, “Well, I can’t do anything to my enemies, but God will get them. He’ll punish them, and His punishment will be like putting burning coals on their heads.” Sometimes our siblings can be our worst enemies, because the people we love the most, or at least are supposed to love the most, are the ones who can hurt us the most. This is a completely wrong way to understand this text.

To understand it, we must know something of ancient Middle Eastern customs. We must remember that, in the Middle East, they carried almost everything on their head like water pots, baskets of food and even pans of hot coals.

In that time, fire was essential for life. It kept you warm when it was cold, cooked your food and provided light at night. That was before the age of matches or lighters and, the only way to keep a fire going was to never let it go out. If your fire were to go out, the kindest thing a person could do was to give you hot coals from their own fire.

So, what Solomon was saying was, “When your enemy’s fire goes out give him coals from your own fire. He will carry them home on his head so that he can be warm, cook his food, and have light at night. God will reward you for your kindness, and your enemy might even become your friend.”

From this proverb I developed what I call “Earley’s Rule for Relationships.” When you disagree with someone you care about, you get to tell them once. There is another rule that should be remembered, especially dealing with siblings; choose carefully when you need to tell your siblings that you disagree with them. This grows from Proverbs 25:11, “Like apples of gold in settings of silver, is a word spoken in right circumstances.”

I know I would pound my siblings when I caught them doing something I thought was wrong or something I didn’t like. They resented it, and rightly so. I do not have the wisdom of Solomon and my methods were not always loving. Since I have developed this rule and have limited myself to only sharing my thoughts once, it has helped to better my relationships within my family. A surprising consequence has been that, family members are more likely to ask for my thoughts and opinions. By using this process, our mutual sharing with one another is much more satisfying and it helps our relationships to be better.

How is your relationship with your siblings? Do you share your critiques of their life more often than they care to hear? Do they listen more when you share less? How would sharing more kindness help to heal those relationships? What specifically can you do to heal those relationships?

Life is too short. Work to get along with your siblings. They are the only ones who have known you all your life. God gave them to you. It is worth it to have a great relationship with them if at all possible.